On Modesty

I don't often write about serious things, or things that could arise in a conflict if we don't see eye-to-eye, but as I was reading a few articles tonight I thought it was time for me to put my story out there as well.

Modesty. At surface value when I see this word I think of Young Women's, knee length shorts, EFY, and sleeves. Isn't it funny that these are the first things we (and I say we hoping I'm not the only one), think of? When really modesty is a synonym for humble, and humility is played out (or should be) in many different parts of our life

As I was growing up one of my FAVORITE dresses (well two actually) were both sleeveless. They were not suggestive, they weren't scandalous, they were just little girl summer dresses. One was a green gingham patterned dress that I actually had in 3 sizes because I loved it so much. The other was bright white with bright ribbons printed all over it. Oh how I loved those dresses-but it seems, to some, these would be considered immodest...really? REALLY?
It bewilders me that people get so upset about little girls wearing sleeveless dresses. It amazes me that people freak out about breastfeeding in public (but I digress). For crying out loud, I'm pretty sure every sunbeam finds it amusing to lift up her dress over her head-they aren't looking to be immodest, they just think it's cool to be in the little tent they've just created. 

As noted in these articles here and here, I liked what they shared about the monetary modesty. The crazy cost of apparel and other material objects. Why is it we don't see living beyond our means as an act of immodesty? Yes, modesty does have something to do with the clothes we wear and how we choose to where them. Modesty is important on the outside...but only because it should reflect what is in our heart. Modesty should be a way of life, living within our means, and respecting our bodies.

I add my story to the many that have arisen lately...

Not that I have always been the perfect example of modesty, but I think 98% of my life I have chosen to wear what I felt was both appropriate and flattering. I never really questioned this until I was 22. Right before I started dating Adam I dated another young man...who will remain nameless...who was, what I thought, a nice guy. He was always very kind, but there just wasn't a spark, so after a few weeks I decided it was time to put this one back in the water. It wasn't my first rodeo so it went smoothly; a "Let's just be friends"-moment.
A few days later I was hanging with the crew when a knock came at the door. Here my dear fallen Romeo stood with quite the serious face. He was welcomed in, as this wasn't a private affair, and took a seat. He turned and said, "can I talk to you for a second. Alone?" He looked at everyone else as to clear them out. With a couple of, "Umm, is he serious?" glances, the room quickly emptied until it was the two of us. I still distinctly remember my outfit: A purple babydoll sweater with a white tank underneath, and a pair of bootleg jeans.
Our conversation went as follows:
"So _____, what's up? Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I just felt like I need to come over and tell you something."
"Ok...soooo"
(Awkward silence.)
"Well, I just wanted to let you know that I think, sometimes the clothes you wear are immodest, like you are just sending all the wrong messages to all the guys in our ward, and I thought I should just let you know."
 I literally thought he was kidding and started to laugh. But he just stared at me. Oh, this isn't a weird break-up joke. "Um, really? Is what I'm wearing right now ok?"
"Ah, yeah I guess so. It's not all the time, just sometimes."
"Wow ______. I guess it's a good thing we broke up, because it's apparent this DEFINITELY wouldn't have worked out between us...turns out I'm not into pioneer dresses/jhads. I think you better go."
Still totally stunned, my jaw on the floor, he left.
I sat there for nearly a minute when my roommates came out and said what the heck was that about? I reiterated the story to them, and they were just as stunned as I.
For the next 3 hours I went through my room questioning what could possibly be in my wardrobe that would make him say those things. I never felt like what I wore was revealing, or suggestive-why was this getting to me so bad? I knew who I was, and that's what mattered. I went to sleep that night bitter and confused. It took me a while to shake off, but I finally did.

It got me thinking-maybe the problem isn't always with the girls-it's with the guys. Boys should be taught that though avoiding revealing/suggestive clothing is a good idea and is not something to encourage they should NEVER treat anyone differently because of the way they dress. They cannot choose what someone is going to wear but they can choose how to react to it. Each of us is a child of God and that's the part they need to focus on. The more we give in to the sexualization of women, the more the problem grows. If a girl is wearing something that makes you uncomfortable then DON'T LOOK. If it's a friend, let them know how beautiful their eyes are, or comment on an intelligent remark. Help them to see they are more than just what their clothes might be saying. It's an uphill battle-but one worth fighting.
As for girls, dress the way you want to be treated. However that is, I'll leave that up to you. Guidelines have been set but it's not like the church says ONLY buy these clothes. There are a million different ways to dress to impress-in the right way. But you have to find what is right for you what's modest for one may not be modest for another. We all have different body types and that's something to celebrate and take into consideration when choosing what to wear.

Some girls may say, "Just because I'm dressed this way it doesn't make me who I am. Which is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Never forget it. But, ladies you must understand this is confusing! That would be like me, David the comedian, dressing up in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me screaming, "HELP HELP! thank goodness your here, Officer we need you!" "Wait, just because I'm dressed this way does NOT, make me a police officer..." 

There you go. It doesn't get any clearer than that. You can wear whatever you want, but you have the choice every day as to what you put on. Decide who you'll be.
We need to find the happy medium between these two realities. Teach our young men to not create everything into a sexual connotation if it's anything outside of a burlap square sack from neck to toe. Young women, explore who you really are on the inside. Find true happiness in who you have the potential to become. Don't let your clothes define you one way or the other. BE YOU.

I could go on and on but let's just leave it at this-Dressing is just one minuscule part of modesty.

Please, do not take anything personal of what I've said. If you feel differently on any of this, that's ok-I'd love to hear how. This is just what I'm feeling right here and now-and maybe I will feel better with just adding this disclaimer-what I say here does not in fact make me who I am. It doesn't mean these ideas won't morph one way or the other in the future. It's just who I am today at midnight on March 20th.

if you don't read anything else, I hope you read this:

Modesty is a synonym for humble.